Make the Spice Mix: Lightly toast each spice individually in a sauté pan on medium heat until fragrant and lightly golden. Let cool, then grind to a medium-fine consistency.
Prepare the Ribs: Season ribs with salt and Chinese Five Spice mix, wrap in foil, and refrigerate for at least one hour.
Make the Hoisin: Combine all hoisin ingredients in a saucepan, bring to a boil, then cool and blend until smooth.
Cook the Ribs: Preheat oven to 275˚F (135˚C). Bake foil-wrapped ribs for 2 hours until tender.
Make the Smashed Cucumbers: Smash cucumbers, salt them, and let drain. Combine dressing ingredients, add cucumbers, and toss.
Make the Garlic Rice: Fry garlic slices in butter, then add grated garlic, rice, water, and salt. Cook until rice is tender.
Broil the Ribs: Remove ribs from foil, brush with hoisin sauce, and broil until sticky and sizzling.
Serve: Top ribs with peanuts and jalapeños, serve with cucumbers and rice.
