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Cook bacon: In a large skillet, cook bacon over medium-high, stirring occasionally, until fat is rendered and bacon is lightly browned, about 20 minutes. With a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to paper towels to drain.
Pour off fat, then add onions and garlic: Pour off all but 1 tablespoon fat from skillet (reserve for another use); add onions and garlic, and cook until onions are translucent, about 6 minutes.
Add remaining ingredients and bring to a boil: Add vinegar, brown sugar, maple syrup, and coffee and bring to a boil, stirring and scraping up browned bits from skillet with a wooden spoon, about 2 minutes. Add bacon and stir to combine.
Transfer to a slow-cooker; cook: Transfer mixture to a 6-quart slow cooker and cook on high, uncovered, until liquid is syrupy, 3 ½ to 4 hours.
Pulse in a food processor to desired consistency: Transfer to a food processor; pulse until coarsely chopped. Let cool, then refrigerate in airtight containers, up to 4 weeks.